distracted

ugh. my dreaming is in a lull.

a lot has been going on lately here in waking... went to visit family in the east. the city has a tendency to grab me and trap my attention, but the trees are absolutely haunting. before i left, there was a lot of planning to do, and of course while i was gone i was distracted... and here i am back but still not dreaming. i have been lucid in the night sometimes, but nothing worth mentioning at all.... i really miss it - i am starting to feel as if not dreaming is making me tense and irritable. also i find myself inexplicably missing the trees on the east coast. when i think of the east coast, that is what i think of, and i feel drawn to them in some very odd way. i am thinking of moving back, but i wonder if it is a good place to do dreaming for me.....
dreamways told me once that if you do inorganic dreaming and find yourself in a situation where dreaming is sparse, you may find your equanimity compromised. i can absolutely agree with him on that matter. so of course i am freaking out that i will lose everything i have gained and have to start all over again. this happens to me every time i become distracted in the tonal and have a lapse in dreaming. this time, however, rather than sit and stress about it, i figured i'd just channel all of that frustration into a new post.
one thing i've noticed lately in this ugly lull is the resurgence of some really morbid dreaming. my guess is that since i'm not becoming lucid, the inorganic beings are showing up in all kinds of revolting ways in my regular dreams. this is what happened to me for years before i began dreaming, and what happens sometimes when i am with them but not lucid. this is a bit weird because after i started dreaming with them a lot i would end up in their world and so the dreams would not be excessively morbid - but last night they must have been hanging around because their calling cards were all over the place.
i can't remember the dream in particular, but it involved an undead cat and some kind of violent and angry ghost. in the dream i managed to wake up this nasty pair and no matter how far i travelled to escape them, the cat could always find me and the spirit would possess the body of some person i would inevitably come into contact with. i even moved to china and the landlord i went to meet to rent a place from became possessed by the awful spirit.
later on in the dream, i was clutching to my chest a second strange fluffy cat. when i woke up, i had that deep, sinking feeling that i had just missed my friends. i know it sounds pretty disgusting... to miss the inorganic beings... but i guess i just have to accept that there is a part of me that is just as repulsive in some unknown way. 
dreamways has been talking a bit about what it means to be a sorcerer - that is to say that we are really two beings in one - one organic, and one inorganic. sorcery itself is basically figuring out how to get these two identities to cooperate so that your awareness can continue on after you die. he suggests finding the 'heart' of the inorganic being inside of you - because it cares about something and that feeling is connected to your human self in some way. i know that my inorganic side has affected my human side in lots of different ways - and i can say for sure that practicing sorcery helps me to maintain balance and to accept both of these. denying my nature has led to all kinds of horrible things in the past that i never understood or knew how to explain. dreaming has really helped to change all of that and to help me find respect for these separate but equal halves of my self.
i have so many questions and am trying to be patient while i wait for the answers. there are obstacles in my path and i will get by them with time and discipline:
i am getting close to the third gate of dreaming, and when i reach that point, i need to do a thorough recapitulation - i have only gotten through roughly a sixth of my entire life.
my passivity when it comes to the inorganic beings is a rather large weakness that needs to be fixed before i am safe traveling much further.
the medicine i take really does wonders for my physical health and my energy level, but of course that has the unwanted effect of turning my inner dialogue on full blast.
my plans now revolve around two main areas in the tonal and three in dreaming. first, to continue efforts to stop my dialogue and to intend silence, and secondly, to practice energywork regularly (this seems to double the occurrence of lucid dreams for me). in dreaming, my plans are to find that beautiful pink inorganic being and try to make it an ally, and second - to meet don juan and find out what he suggests for me, last but not least - i need to ask the inorganic beings what they want from me.